“I go to church- I know God- I believe in God”- for a while I thought I did because I was born and raised in a Christian family but there was no personal encounter with the Lord.  Eventually I stumbled, got bored and got discouraged seeing how others of my age enjoy their lives while I was just stuck in a home-school-church routine.  I wondered how it feels to be out and taste the world.  This is my story as a backslider and how God helped me find my way back home to Him in His perfect timing.

 

I was 19, and since then my life was such a mess and I was a grave sinner. I became a smoker, relationship hopper, and would go to clubs and parties and get drunk like a man until dawn. I was a nurse in a hospital back then, and there were times when I would go to work and medicated my patients under the influence of alcohol. I was impregnated at the age of 21 right after I graduated and tried hard to abort the baby up until the 6th month but God did not allow it.  I did not even want to get married with my 10-year long relationship that later ended.

 

I worsened when I started working abroad, wherein I totally forgot about God, not even going to church nor praying.  I was happy and living my life to the fullest, doing everything I want to do, controlling my life and making decisions on my own.  I first went to UAE where I met a Nepali man who was a Buddhist and got engaged to be married. I got transferred to Kuwait and Qatar until I reached Bahrain because of my company.

 

Here in Bahrain I met my now husband (Gerald) whose life was a mess too.  He was a Catholic Christian and a single father who was also engaged to the mother of his child in the Philippines.  We decided to betray our own partners and live together secretly.  During this period, Sis Jasmine Molina invited me to attend a bible study group and Friday service and later on tagged Gerald along with me.  As I continue to attend, it made me realize as to what I have become and what I was doing for the past years without God.  I pondered and looked back on the wasted years making myself believe that I was happy but had no contentment and inner peace at all.  I was a monster and an enemy to my own self.

 

I decided to go back to the Lord and start a new life with Him but the devil was trying to hold me back, whispering “you are not worthy! you are a sinner! you will still go back to the old you!”  I became more confused when I found out I was pregnant out of wedlock again.  I cried out to the Lord, saying “No, please God, not now, not again, not when I am already trying to go back to You!”. Out of so much fear to be caught by the police and my ex-fiancé, and rejection from my family, I tried to do my way again and lose the baby.There was a time I thought I lost it, but I was surprised when the doctor told me, the baby is growing in my womb.Only God knows the answer and only He alone has the power to give and to take away life.  I was already on the verge of my wickedness and was so helpless, begging a wicked prayer and still thinking of continuing to removethe baby with the fear of delivering it with congenital deformities because of what we had done.

 

Sis Caren Mendoza persistently invited me to the Conqueror’s Camp 2 years ago, which I declined at first, but it was God and the conviction of the Holy Spirit that persuaded me to attend even if I was not able to witness the whole thing from the beginning because my work finishes at 9pm.  The moment I stepped in that place, I have never felt such power, and the holy presence that filled the place made me so weak during that time.  I was sobbing and crying my heart out, as I raised my hand and Pastor Ignar started to pray over me, this was revealed to me – Revelation 1:17 “And when I saw Him, I fell at His feet as dead.  He laid His right hand on me, saying to me, ‘Do not be afraid; I am the first and the last’.” That moment totally changed my life and made me surrender my life unto Jesus, putting all my fears and worries unto Him, as He promised me to fear nothing at all.  It took confession and repentance to release that entire burden within me, which I have been carrying for the past years of darkness.

 

However, it was not an overnight transformation, and the path I had to go through towards the Lord was so hard and it tested my faith a few times.  I had to go home in the Philippines to deliver the baby, with money I just borrowed, and not one of my family members would accept me, not even Gerald’s family.  I had to bear the persecution and condemnation from everyone, but in my solitude, I sought peace and happiness from the Lord by continuously knowing Him through His Words through the Bible as it was revealed to me – Psalm 94:19 “When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brings joy to my soul”.I thank God that Sis. Caren and her family nurtured me and welcomed me in their home like a family.  God proved that He will never leave me nor forsake me. 

 

It was not the right time for me nor for the baby, but it was the right time for the Lord to deliver him at 7 months.  Thanks be to God, my baby has no congenital defects as I feared, but he had a condition which they call Circum oral cyanosis which was due to lack of oxygen in his body and needed to be placed in an incubator for a couple of weeks and get medication due to infection.  He had to be operated at the neck 5 days after birth to put the catheter through it for his antibiotics because the catheter in his umbilical cord leaked.  He was in and out of the hospital after he was discharged at the NICU due to asthma.  He had a hole in his heart, he also incurred pneumonia right after his weeks at home and almost died. 

 

As I rushed him to the hospital, and laid him in the bed of the emergency room with no signs of life, I prayed earnestly unto the Lord saying “Father, if this is the only way to prove how real I am going back to You, even if it hurts for a mother to say, You can take him.  I surrender him back toYou. He was never mine in the first place, take his pain away Lord.”  Then this was revealed to me – 1 John 4:8 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”My fear of losing my baby succumbed to my faith, love, and so much trust in the Lord by that prayer.  However, His amazing love and faithfulness is always perfect and it never leaves the moment we need it.Even if the nurse did not put oxygen on him yet, the moment the doctor placed the stethoscope on my baby’s chest, he just suddenly breathed, with pulse and was no longer cyanotic (bluish).  That is how powerful our living God is! My miracle baby! Then on, I vowed to the Lord that I would live my life serving Him faithfully no matter what.

 

His promise in Ecclesiastes 3:11 for me – “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end” – is so alive! Zachary was baptized, and me and Gerald got married in a simple garden wedding without paying anything as we were already financially exhausted.  But God being the God of provision, made everything possible.  God also made possible the restoration of our families’ relationship and our past relationships as we reconciled with them.  We had to leave our son at 3 months to work again here in Bahrain since we have to support three children now.  Despite our son’s unstable condition, with his doctor even telling us to have a stand-by oxygen tank in case it relapses, we lifted up all our fears to the Lord.  Glory to God! Our miracle baby is now 1 year and 6 months and ever since we left him, he was never hospitalized and there are no signs of illness.  The hole in his heart has closed and he has no more maintenance medications.  For almost 2 years of financial struggle, we are already experiencing financial breakthrough from all the loans and debts we had because of everything that had happened to our son. Praise the Lord! We are already reaping the rewards of our walk in obedience with the Lord as He never fails to amaze us with His sufficient grace!

 

Our greatest sufferings and deepest pain will definitely become our glorious blessings if we turn them into prayer, worship, and walk in obedience with the Lord.  God never promised a life without trials and predicaments but I am 100% sure that He will always be with us until the finish line because He is the first and the last! We are still facing difficulties in life but I always keep with me His promises of peace and security in every difficulty.  One of the highest form of worship is when you choose to praise God in your deepest pain and suffering and this is the real surrender. Love is sweeter the second time around for me and the Lord, for His amazing love never really left me all these years as I find my way back home to my Father.  Finally, I am home! In God’s perfect time, the ultimate perfection!